Maybe… just maybe, I have reached the point of my life where I finally realized and accepted the fact, that there’s actually nobody in this world that you can rely on, but yourself.
I used only feel that thing they call “happiness” everytime I’m with the people that I love. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s usually when most people feel the same thing. But just last year, in a blink of an eye, I learned the hard way, that if you’re just going to base your happiness on other people, you’ll end up broken into a million pieces the moment they leave. Whether it’s by choice or not.
Exactly on new years eve last year, I lost my father. How could you even deal with the pain of knowing that the only person who believed in you and loved you unconditionally is gone forever? So many unspoken words were left, and I’ll never ever get that chance to let him know how much I love him and how thankful and proud I am that he’s the one I had as a father. I’ve never even got that chance to repay him for everything that he did for me.
Then about two and half months after that, the man that I thought was the one left me for another woman. Yeah, well… just imagine.
A month after, he contacted me back explaining why he did what he did. Of course, I believed him.
A couple of months later, I lost my cousin. I mean, we weren’t really that close. But I saw him growing up. We were of the same age. He just simply got sick one day and in just 3 months, he’s gone. That basically made me realize how quickly our lives can be taken away.
A few months later, I came to Australia to see that guy. I believed everything will go back to the way it was when he sees me. I thought everything went okay.
Then a few months later, my son’s dad came here in Dubai to have my son’s papers processed so he can renew my son’s US passport. I didn’t mind at the time. Then just after he got everything he needed, he told me that he’ll be taking our son to the US and basically live there with his new family. I mean… what an effin’ ass! Did he just deceive me on signing those papers so he can take my son away? We argued about this and that. Words have been said. Long story. I guess what I realized from that moment is that… I’ve been here for four years now. Haven’t really been a mom to my own son. Who am I to suddenly take control? How that made me feel? I feel defeated. It’s like every single thing that’s happening in my life, I keep losing. So yeah, should I even bother fighting for it? I know I’m never ever gonna win.
Then, I came back to Australia to see that guy again. He made me believe this time that everything was real. He made all these promises and that we will be having a life together and stuff. And of course, after a year of on and off kinda thing, he finally told me that everything was just a lie. Come on, who does that? I never really thought anyone is actually capable of deceiving people the way he did. I never thought that anyone can actually be that cruel. I came home shattered. But what else can I do?
After all these… I basically just gave up. Why bother fighting, right? I’m just gonna lose anyway. I’ll just let life screw me over like it always does. Everything that happens right after these, I just didn’t care anymore. I’d go on every morning, not wanting to wake up at all. I lived my life day by day with a huge pain in my heart. I kept telling myself how much I wanted it to be over.
I basically suffered from depression, but no one knew about it. When I’m with my friends, I was always this loud and cheerful girl who does nothing but joke around and laugh. I guess that was my way of hiding what I was really going through.
Then I learned this thing about separating the depressed version of me and a normal happy girl. I have something like a switch. And when I didn’t wanna deal with all my problems, I just kind of switch the thing off, and go on with my life as a normal cheerful girl.
But from time to time, I switch the thing on and allow myself to cry and face it all until there came a time when I finally accepted everything. As silly as it sounds, while I was going through all these, I used to torture myself listening to the song “Save Myself” by Ed Sheeran. Yep, you read it right. Lol. Then… the magic happened! I learned to look at the bright side.
My dad is now in a better place. No more pain, no more suffering. I know he can hear me every time I try to reach out to him, and I know that he knows how much I love him.
Losing my cousin inspired me to do the things I love most because we’ll never know when our last day on earth can be.
I know that my son is gonna have a bright future in the US. I know that his dad loves him so much and that he is going to be loved. So if he’s okay with it, no matter how hard it’s gonna be, I’ll let him go.
And to that guy… I’m not longing for him anymore. I’ve now accepted the fact, that sometimes, a man’s purpose in a woman’s life is to help her become a better woman… for herself… and for another man.
I’m not crying anymore. No more pain in my heart and I’m so thankful now. Because I know that I’ve already gone through the worst thing that could ever happen, and everything that’s left now are the good ones.
I just have to keep reminding myself that everything I wanna have and feel, I need to give it all to myself first before others. If I’m happy just on my own, that will reflect on how I live my life. I need to love myself first before I love anyone else. Because then, I’d know when to walk away to not let myself feel more pain. Now I know what I deserve. I know my worth.
All I know is that… I’m stronger now. And in spite of everything that I have experienced and has been done to me, I still believe that people are really good at heart.